Take a long, hard, look

Why is it that I feel that I need to be hurting to write a piece of art.

Can't my happiness inspire me just as much?

Sonnets of love and wonder have been written throughout history, 

Yet it is Tragedy that piques my muse.

Depression cannot be my only source to pull from.

If I feed the dark cloud that hovers above, 

Surely it will only grow. 

But it can also give life to the flowers under my toes.

If I can only find the perfect balance.

The choice to nurture is part of my nature, 

So I must resist the the urge to self-destruct.

When will that side of me stop fighting for control?

Maybe it isn't supposed to.

Maybe I'm supposed to let it be here,

To give me perfect harmony.

Angst and sadness can only have true meaning,

If you have learned what bliss and contentment can truly be. 

You cannot properly understand one

Without the other.

So maybe I will take these lows

And make the art that I know so well

But also take these highs

And make something new and

Positively

Magical

Not Broken.

Sometimes, when we feel love, we feel it sadly.
We feel it overwhelmingly.
And its not for negative reasons.
Sometimes its because it's we never thought we could be loved. At least not like that.
And because we love someone back so wholeheartedly.
And it's scary.
But oh so beautiful. 

"I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty
And with every touch, you fixed them."


We let people in, in ways we least expect,
And then they surprise, excite, and love us in ways we didn't expect.
When you feel that broken,
that unlovable,
The love that spawns from that,
Is unmatchable.

And it's sad.
But not in the way one would think.
No, nothing like that.
Its a type of sad that that brings a sense of joy.
As odd as that sounds.
We never think we can love as much as we do. 
 Because we felt broken.



"It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our heart
That we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again."

Thoughts of a rambler.

Infinite thoughts fill me up.
I can't beat this.
I get lost in my mind.
Slipping.
Stuttering.
Falling.
What do I do?
How do I sift through all of these feelings.
How do I become who I am supposed to be.
How. How. How.
I know who I am.
I know who I want to be.
I know who I am meant to be.
I'm stuck in a body that's not mine.
But it is.
I'm changing it.
I'm making it what it is meant to be.
Healthy.
Strong.
Mine.
These infinite thoughts eat me up.
What if I can't change.
What if I can't make it work.
What if.
I'm in a rut.
I'm moving, but stuck.
Running
Climbing.
Stuck.
I'm stuck.

Words

Notes      

Melodies    

Silence.

 

    

   

Serious Post Time. -dundunDUN-

For the first time, in a long time, I can honestly say I am happy. I took the leap, in getting my life in the direction I wanted it to go. And now? Now I'm traveling, going to school in the fall, and surrounding myself in everything I want.

In less than a month, I am going to the United Kingdom, with my wonderful boyfriend. I get to spend and entire month, gallivanting all over England, Scotland, and Ireland. It feels almost surreal. If a year ago, someone would have told me, that I was going to be doing this, I wouldn't believe it. AND! To add to my travel plans for the year, I will also be going to Calgary (for CCEE), Toronto, and down to the States to visit my grandma.

I've been surrounding myself, with people who accept me for me. Who understand, when I speak. Who love me. And MY GOSH, it. feels. GOOD.

I also quit my job about a week ago, because it was just getting to ridiculous.

Then I applied for school, and will hopefully be going to school in the fall, for business.

It was terrifiying, taking that step. To quit everything I've ever known, and give in to happiness.
To life.

And it feels good.

"Hello World, Here I AM"

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

-Runaway-

Runaway.

She's a runaway.

She's got this dark side,

Full of things she wants to hide.

But instead she runs away.

She's a runaway.



But not today.
Today she stood tall.
Today, she saw her life, 
going the way she wanted.

She wasn't scared.
She wasn't alone.




For once in her life, she didn't runaway.
For once, she is truly, completely
Happy
 

Ever After (Happily Sold Seperatly)

I cannot wait to get my wings
Because maybe, just maybe
I will finally be able to fly
Fly away, and (almost) never look back

Part of me wants to just quit everything
and run away and hide
Hide away with a perfect man
Who has offered me a chance to get away

But it's not all that realistic
Things would fall to shambles
With me gone
Gone more than a few hours

I just want a happily ever after
Not this current moment
But eventually.
I think I can wait for him

But for now, I will paint on my wings
Turn my face to the sky
And just hope that someone is listening
And will save me,
From me.

Porcelain

"You thought by now you'd have it all figured out
You can't erase the way it pulls when the seasons change
It hurts sometimes to find where you begin
But you are Perfect Porcelain

The slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me
It's alright if you don't know what you need
I'm right here when
You need someone to see
It's not 'speak or forever hold your peace'
It's alright to take time and find where you've been
You are Perfect Porcelain

When you heart releases
You won't fall to peices
You'll let those old diseases lie
And your heart releases
You won't fall to pieces
And your breath comes crashing in
Like Perfect Porcelain"

This is my current favourite song off of the newest Mariana's Trench CD, "Ever After*"
It speaks to my heart and soul. And I hope it speaks to others.



<3

"Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her"

I won't lie, 

I miss her.

But, right now

I'm me

That's it, that's all.

I'm who I want to be

No wild expectations

No judging.

No drama.

And right now? That's exactly what I need.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger 

Just me, myself and I  

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Stand a little taller  

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"

-untitled-

You say you know me,

But you don't.

You say you'll "own" me,

But you won't.

These lives we lead are nothing but a sham of shambles.

We say we know our selves, that we know each other.

Tell me, when did the world turn to lies?

Better yet, tell me, when did it start feeling good to lie.

Was it the day that the realization that one could make anyone believe anything? Or was it the day one realizes they could, and would lose it all, if they told the complete and whole truth?

Think.

Breathe.

Let it all go.

Then move on.

Nobody knows (me) anymore.

And maybe I like it that way...

Who

I'm broken and changed,

Never whole, but made new.

It's a new kind of feeling.

How do I ever tell you, "I'm scared"?

I've been turned upside down.

Left.

Right.

Told I am wrong, 

And not me.

But then who is?

In this crazy life we lead
I've grown up
Moved out
And carried on
Just to keep

Calm

Who I was

Is never coming back.

Just as

Tomorrow will be different

So will I.

So I ask then

Who, is... me?

Just... Breathe.

I need to learn to breathe,

Instead of just freak out

Maybe take some time to dream

Things can get crazy, 

Then again, so can life.

I need to learn to take

The good with the bad.

Maybe if I slow down, 

Maybe if I don't do a million things

Maybe, just maybe

Life might make sense.

But that's not me.

Never has, and maybe never will.

Life has to be busy,

Just to function.

I think I might take some time

Maybe to to breathe

And work through life.

One.

Breath.

At.

A.

Time.

Tonight, tonight.

Take a deep breath
Take a step back
There's only so much a person can take


I might snap tonight
Just up and leave
Try and stop me.
(Nothing can stop this)

I'm a force to be reckoned with
I'm the wind unleashed
I'm stronger than you think
(Nothing can stop me)

Step back,
Let me breathe.
And I swear,
Everything will be okay.


It's my life
And I'm gonna live it
It's all I can do
(You will never stop me)


                   Tonight, I swear that I mean every word...

Dear Me;

Dear past me;

You've made so many choices.

Good and bad.

You've hurt, and been hurt.

Healed, and been healed.

You screwed up.

Big time.

And you fought to make it right.

Thank you for trying

And never giving up.

I love you.

Dear present me;

You worry so much.

About everything.

About nothing.

Breathe.

You can do it.

Just believe.

Please?

I love you.

Dear future me;

I guess you never gave up.

You stayed strong.

And did what you must.

I hope that life is as you planned.

That you are happy.

Be happy.

For us.

I love you

Candy Hearts Don't Bleed

Pink candy hearts,

Packed in a box.

Only one purpose;

Fake " i luv u"'s.

Eaten with joy,

And eaten with despair

Well will people realize

Candy hearts don't bleed.

Innuendos

This song really entertains me with all the various names for everything. It's fantastical.



Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket


Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter


If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I Brazilian wax poetic so pothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush


Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten
Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston


Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle
Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple


If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I Brazilian wax poetic so pothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush


Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

Blood Bonds

Too hurt to understand.
Too angry to care.
Too disappointed to try.

I thought that blood, was supposed to be thicker than water. But in our case, I guess not. Your coldness to me has turned the water to ice, and chilled me to the bone.

I always thought that the love of a family was unconditional. You have proven me wrong. So many of you. Between using me for money, ignoring me- your own flesh and blood, trying to kill me, believing rumours, and so, so much more. It hurts. And I give up. I can't force you to love me, or even like me. So I guess asking for respect is a little too much.

To my father; This is the first time in my life that I have been hurt by you, and mad at you. You have let me down so much this time. I don't don't know how to process this. You got my hopes up, that I would see you, TALK to you after all this time. But no, I doubt that will happen. So very much. Anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.

To the rest of my blood bonds that have let me down;

I will always love you, for my love of my family is unconditional. But, I don't have to like you. And I really, really don't like you.

Past is past.

[This place is a hole

But I don't wanna go

I wish we could stay here

 Forever alone

This time that we waste

But I still love your taste]

I like waking up next to you.

You turn your head
And smile at me.

Then kiss my nose

And whisper,
"Hey"

[Sometimes I wish you would leave me

"I'm not sick of you yet"

Is that as good as it gets?

I'll just hide it

Its so easy to come back [to] you]

I think of our time spent together

Just us.

And I can't help but think

That this has to be

More

[I stayed for a while

And waited for words

Seen, but not heard

And struggled to try

My tongues turnin' black

But I'll take you back

Your still the best

More or less]

I know that you think of

Me.

You've told me so.

You're kisses are

More than lust.

Just admit you like me.

[And it hurts me to say

That it hurts me to stay

And it might be all right

If you go

It hurts me to say that 

I want you stay

But it might be alright

If you go]

Past is past

And I can only hope

For a future.

So please

Trust in me.

I think I am finally over

YOU

Star Gazing

(v.1)

Did you make a wish upon a star
Is that why you are who you are
Did you play make believe with those you always know
Grab my hand darling, its time to go

(v.2)
Take a look to the sky, tell me what do you see
Another constellation, or is it you and me?
The time flies by, like another shooting star
Oh, so close, yet so far


(chorus)
Just look up to the cloudy night
And wish for the stars to come out
Holding hands, and making plans,
It's a perfect night for gazing at the stars
Lets make it last for as long as we can


(v.3)
A jet plane zooms across the sky
We laugh to ourselves, about aliens going by
You grab my hand, and off we run to take a ride
It's not so bad, being alone and by your side


(chorus)
Just look up to the cloudy night
And wish for the stars to come out
Holding hands, and making plans,
It's a perfect night for gazing at the stars
Lets make it last for as long as we can


(bridge)
The stars are so pretty tonight
And I must confess, I cannot tell a lie
Gazing into your eyes is like gazing at the stars
There's nowhere I'd rather be, than right where you are


(chorus)
Just look up to the cloudy night
And wish for the stars to come out
Holding hands, and making plans,
It's a perfect night for gazing at the stars
Lets make it last for as long as we can

It's funny, how you're in my head.

It's 3 am, and

I'm still writing your song,

I got the music written

but the words are all wrong

4 am now, and

It seems like all my hope has disappeared.

Why is it, that I feel

So alive when you are here

5 am and I should be asleep, but

All that I have is

Nothing I want to keep.

You're asleep

While I'm wracking my brain,

Trying to figure out

The perfect thing to say.

6 am, and the night is long gone,

The world is awakening, and

I'm still writing your song.

Everything seemed okay,

But that one little line,

I've revised it,

Over a million times

8 am, I tumbled in my dreams

Trying to keep my sanity clean.

My inner writer keeps in check,

All of the things I've left.

It's a quarter past 9, and

My brain has fluttered

In and out of rest.

I dream of you, because if I didn't

I'd be miserable, at best.

I've come to think,

That a life without you,

Isn't a life at all.