A Beautiful Song

This is a song that Tasha wrote for me. It’s beautiful.
’Nuff said. Here it is.

:: in song with bad guitar accompaniment ::

Oh Sarah, you came and you joined our YG,

I remember calling you butterfly bum girl for the first

three weeks!

Your hair was always different so I couldn’t remember your

name.

Oh, the Idema's bring friends all the time, and most never stay.

I remember being impressed that you kept coming.

So I decided to learn your name.

Oh Sarah,

Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Now, I know you!!

And I like you!

And I looooooooove youuuuuu!

Oh, Sarah!

Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I hear you’ve moved away, but I moved first.

So sad as I’m sure you are, I can’t tell the difference

Between Edmonton and Fort Mac at this long distance!

So sister, take heart!

We are never truly apaaaaaart!!

Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

:: lame guitar ending ::

-Natasha Mills, at 10:58pm on August 3rd, 2007

Gone away

I was told that I needed to update this sucker, but at the time I was to angry to type anything, so here I go now....

Things here are... okay. I would love to able to tell you that they were "peachy-keen", But they're not. I am slowly driving myself crazy out here with no one to talk to, and no where to go.

I cannot spend my days in the library or in a mall or in a music store. Not even in a friken coffee shop. Why? because its about 1 half-hour- forty-five minute drive to TOWN. I live in a Hamlet. That's what Anzac is classified as.

It seems that no one out there in E-town or where ever is, emailing me or talking to me, with the exception of Beth *sometimes* and it's hard. I cannot seem to get it right, so I just try harder, and you know what? I crash and burn.

About a week and a half ago(on a Saturday) I passed out in my bathroom on the floor. Why?
Because I was outside the day before for over two hours in the heat and got an sunburn and heat stroke. Then that Saturday I went for a half hour run at 6:30 am and got home and went for a shower. I failed to remember the fact that I should have eaten or drank after. I step out of the show feeling really nauseous and dizzy so I sat down, fighting the urge to throw up or pass out. Well I ended up passing out on the floor for a few minutes before I got up and went and passed out on my bed in the living room.

I'm probably reverting back to where I was about 5-6 months ago, and it sucks.
I'm left alone most of the time, which is fine with me. Most of you know that I am a touch person and I am almost always near a person, well I can't stand being touched right now. The only time I hug someone is the customary hug for thank yous.

I miss everyone. and no one seems to get it. No one seems to get the fact that I am dying out here. I guess I got what I wanted... not to have a heart so that I couldn't feel anything. Well it's mostly working like that. The only thing I feel is pain. not the physical kind either. The kind that come from inside when you miss someone, the kind that makes you feel like you heart is being ripped out.
Yeah fun isn't?

It kinda sucks too when you find out that you best friend is recording an EP around the same time everyone finds out. I am actually really glad for you and your sister. I hope it goes good. But thanks for telling me.

I don't know what else to say or do so.....

Someone please save me from myself...... please talk to me.

"Lock the windows, and bolt the door, cause I've got enough problems without creating more. I feel like I was born, for devastation and reform"

-untitled-

Take this heart of mine,
Place it on a pedestal
I don't need it anymore.

I'd rather be heartless then love you,
To be part of you and all you represent,
Polar to what I need,
Polar to what I believe.

God, I need you
Shelter me from what they've become
I cannot stand it anymore
Days go by and I find myself faltering.
Father, I need you

They tell me I'm not good enough
And that everything I believe is wrong
I know they are wrong about you, Jesus,
But what about me,
Will I ever be enough?

God, I need you,
Even more than before
Shelter me from what they want me to be
I want to stand strong
Always and forever in your arms
Father I need you

Make my heart pure
Strong enough to make it through
Until then take my heart away
I cannot stand the pain.

Love God, Always and Forever

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home
All your children stretch out their hands
and pick up the crippled man
Father we will lead them home
Sinners reach out your hands
Children in Christ you stand.

We who were called to be your people,
Struggling sinners and thieves
were lifted from the ashes
and out came the song of the redeemed.

Your mercy brings me to my knees.
Oh, the beauty of your majesty.
On the cross you showed your love for me.

In your presence God, i'm completely satisfied.
For you I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance.
Lift my heart and my hands to show my love, to show my love.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
-- Proverbs 31:30

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. You were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.

Romans 12:2 - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Psalm 139:13-14 - For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
16 - your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Isaiah 40:29 - He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Childhood Silence

Silence
Where did it go?
Only to be replaced with tension
Your wordy knife, My speechless back
Is this what you intended all along?

I never meant to shut you out,
Or turn my back,
But maybe that's what you did first,
And now it's broken.

I would almost prefer a loud and obnoxious fight,
To the one that is brewing and waging inside of both of us.
Silent and and deadly,
Causing unwanted anger and hatred.

Let's go back to the days of old
When you would walk up to someone and be best friends,
When sacrifice ment sharing you're favorite crayon or toy.
When the biggest fear was crossing the street alone.

Take my hand, and cross this road.
I'll never leave you.
I swear.

Rockst*r, Mon$ter, Full Thrott!e

So I am in a very good mood right now, despite my breakdown earlier at school. No, I'm not on drugs, no I'm not drunk, I just have had an amazing realization. I am too young to be worried or depressed, and should just focus on what I have, right now, and what is important to me. I am slowly figuring it out, it's not easy, but I am doing it.

Not to say that there won't be moments where I will doubt myself, or be worried or depressed, because there will be, but that's life. And I know that I have so many people cheering me on, and will be there for me and pick me up when I fall. And I won't be as alone as I thought. Because I have God, and my friends. Like Fish, and McFly, and Biff. They will be there for me every step of the way.

I may not be completely sane, sometimes, And I may be too quiet at others, but that's me. That's who I am right now.

And I'm not okay. There is a lot going on. I'm not okay today, and I cannot guarantee that I will be okay tomorrow, but I will be okay in the future, and that I know.

And I will keep on fighting for my sanity and being myself.

This is my life.

Mistakes, and Things You Can't Take Back.

So, today I went to the last Focus that I will be going to for a while. Then again it was the last one until September. But yeah.

I made a mistake tonight. Well right now I think it was a mistake. But anyways..

I gave this guy a note, telling him that I liked him. No big deal right? No harm done.

Wrong. Why?

Because he is my closest guy friend. And I probably just screwed everything up between us.
And I wish I could take it all back.

But there you have it folks! Another brilliant mistake by me.

But I have to apologize to him so here it is.

I'm sorry that I sprang that on you the way I did. I know that you like someone else who is way better, and I don't know why I did it.
I know I was a coward to do it the way I did, and maybe I should have just left it alone. But I just don't know. Maybe we could try to go back to normal, even though I messed up?
Nothing has changed, it's still the same as before... You just have a little insight now. I still think of you as a really good friend, and I hope that we can still play a part in eachother's life.

Anyways. I am just trying to figure this all out, and stop shaking.

Good night. Good Bye

Opposite Reactions

Am I wrong in this
So many voices shouting yes
But one voice says no.
Which to believe

To take your hand
Or walk away without saying
Saying what they say I should
leaves me in a precarious situation

I like you, I do
But what if you feel as I do
Do we go on different
Or do we just stay the same?

But wait, what if you don't
As so many believe
What know?
I just made a fool of myself, didn't I?

Maybe I should just shut up, and leave.

Always Know [Before I Go]

They tell me to admit it,
To admit which I try to deny,
They say that I am transparent,
But they cannot see inside.

If I was head over heals
I would be flat on my face
But as far as I can tell
I'm still standing in this place

Take your accusations
And bury them in the ground
They will never make it past it all

I will never make a sound.

I hate the fact that it has to be this way

And the fact that it is making me rhyme
But the way he makes me feel,

It's different this time.

So back off, and don't tell me how I feel

I feel stronger than you know,
Chances are I'm not letting on the truth

Of how I want to tell him before I go.

Maybe I do [not] love him, I honestly don't know.